KB's Travel Blog Part 1
A couple weeks ago I was feeling exceptionally curious about the demographics of my audience/readers (geography-wise; I already know you’re all single white guys in your twenties with untreated mental illnesses), so I asked people to comment the name of their hometown on one of my blogs. Shockingly, with 2.5 submissions, Connecticut was the most popular home state of the commenters who unknowingly participated in my contest.
Their prize? An entire "travel blog" dedicated to their state, written by me, someone who’s never been to their state (surprisingly, I haven’t gotten around to “a long weekend in Hartford” or “an Airbnb in Bridgeport” or a "tailgate at Yale"). Let’s see if I can do it justice.
Known for women’s basketball and men’s size small Vineyard Vines apparel, Connecticut is truly one of the fifty states that makes up our great nation. A place where Red Sox fans beautifully intersect with Yankees fans like compost mixing with cow dung to create manure. A scenic wonderland where you can see the most diverse shades of gray and brown in the world. The home state of a wide variety of the most influential names in the entertainment industry, from Charli D’Amelio to PT Barnum.
A culinary hotbed where, if you go down the list of the best of types of pizza, you’ll eventually land on the regionally-renowned “New Haven-style,” which is not to be confused with tucking a white polo into khaki shorts or going hundreds of thousands of dollars into debt for an Ivy League law degree. A place where its residents will proudly exclaim “New England” or “Right outside of New York City” when asked where they’re from. The magical paradise known as..…(give me a second)…..
My God. An eccentric list of nicknames that could give even the grouchiest of homebodies a burning wanderlust to escape to Connecticut for a week-long getaway. The Nutmeg State. An exotically delicious treat that just screams “you should come here.” One of the premier ingredients in foods like nutmeg butter and nutmeg shortbread. G-Eazy’s favorite seed. Ground it up and sprinkle it in your eggnog or soy latte. Or don’t…it won’t make a distinguishable difference. That’s the beauty of it! It’s the Connecticut of the spice community.
The Land of Steady Habits
Nothing gets me going like a steady habit. I’ve often said that habits aren’t as steady as they used to be, but in Connecticut, they stick to their roots. Real straight shooters up there. A place where you can involuntarily move to and almost instantly fall into a mindless lifestyle of monotonous routines, without temptations of “fun” or “things to do” to derail you from your steady habits.
But what really makes Connecticut unique? What separates it from the rest of the pack and makes it completely different from any other state? Well, since I’ve never been, I took to the internet to get accurate accounts from people who actually live there.
Cover charges
For better or worse, charging people a fee to get into a bar or club is a revolutionary practice that’s exclusive to the Nutmeg State. Trust me, that $10 you gave the doorman will be well worth the air of exclusivity you experience at Connecticut’s hottest pubs, without the worry of being surrounded by poor scumbags. Bar covers. Only in Connecticut.
Mid-day traffic jams
Sure, people from Connecticut will complain about it, but where else in America is there so much hustle and bustle that you can find yourself stuck in traffic in the dead hours of the afternoon? Certainly not in Los Angeles or DC or Atlanta or Dallas or Boston or Chicago or anywhere in New Jersey or Seattle or San Francisco or Philly or Portl-
and just when you thought The Constitution State couldn’t get any more wild and crazy, I hit you with a bomb like this. Experiencing winter weather an entire day after winter ends is something that you just can’t get anywhere else in the country. Snow in March? What’s next? Snow in April?
Is Connecticut even a real place? I mean that in the most complimentary way possible. This is some shit right out of a C.S. Lewis novel. I don’t even know how you could possibly top snow in April….
Oh come on. Snow in the sun? The fucking sun?
Long waits for pizza delivery
If there’s one thing that most Americans can rely on, it’s the speedy efficiency of fast food delivery drivers. Unfortunately, that’s not the case for Connecticuters. However, waiting a long period of time for your meal to arrive is just a small price to pay for the best damn pizza in all of Southwestern New England.
Hawaiian cultural appropriation
Hawaii is a place that’s rich in culture and tradition, especially when it comes to clothing. Their fashion is universally distinct, and 99% of the world is way too intimidated to even attempt to duplicate or appropriate it. Not in Connecticut. It’s the only state where you’ll find the Caucasian students at public universities wearing the colorful patterns of Hawaiian shirts and accessories.
Wacky traffic anomalies
A semi truck breaking unwritten highway etiquette? Only in Connecticut.
Arguing on Twitter
Only in Connecticut.
Unpredictable weather
Probably the gnarliest thing about living in Connecticut is it’s spontaneous weather patterns. With a climate that will go from rainy to not rainy in a matter of minutes, it’s truly one of the most unique places in the entire galaxy, let alone country.
I don’t see how I could possibly top the fact that Connecticut gets four seasons worth of weather in just one single week, so I’ll just end the blog on that note. Hope this was informative and eye-opening to people who underestimated the fascinating mystique of Connecticut, and an adequate homage to the people from the The Provisions State.